The Army had a new theme song: "Anythingyou can do, we can do better!" And they meantanything, including up-to-date hornpipes!
NAVY DAY
By Harry Harrison
General Wingrovelooked at the rows of faceswithout seeing them. His visionwent beyond the Congress of theUnited States, past the balmy Juneday to another day that was coming.A day when the Army wouldhave its destined place of authority.
He drew a deep breath and deliveredwhat was perhaps theshortest speech ever heard in thehallowed halls of Congress:
"The General Staff of the U.S.Army requests Congress to abolishthe archaic branch of the armedforces known as the U.S. Navy."
The aging Senator fromGeorgia checked his hearing aid tosee if it was in operating order,while the press box emptied itselfin one concerted rush and a clatterof running feet that died off inthe direction of the telephoneroom. A buzz of excited commentran through the giant chamber.One by one the heads turned toface the Naval section where rowsof blue figures stirred and buzzedlike smoked-out bees. The knot ofmen around a paunchy figure heavywith gold braid broke up and AdmiralFitzjames climbed slowly tohis feet.
Lesser men have quailed beforethat piercing stare, but GeneralWingrove was never the lesser man.The admiral tossed his head withdisgust, every line of his body denotingoutraged dignity. He turnedto his audience, a small pulse beatingin his forehead.
"I cannot comprehend the general'sattitude, nor can I understandwhy he has attacked the Navyin this unwarranted fashion. TheNavy has existed and will alwaysexist as the first barrier of Americandefense. I ask you, gentlemen,to ignore this request as you wouldignore the statements of any person ... er,slightly demented. Ishould like to offer a recommendationthat the general's sanity be investigated,and an inquiry be madeas to the mental health of anyoneelse connected with this preposterousproposal!"
The general smiled calmly. "Iunderstand, Admiral, and reallydon't blame you for being slightlyannoyed. But, please let us not bringthis issue of national importancedown to a shallow personal level.The Army has facts to back up thisrequest—facts that shall be demonstratedtomorrow morning."
Turning his back on the ragingadmiral, General Wingrove includedall the assembled solons inone sweeping gesture.
"Reserve your judgment untilthat time, gentlemen, make no hastyjudgments until you have seen theforce of argument with which weback up our request. It is the endof an era. In the morning the Navyjoins its fellow fossils, the dodo andthe brontosaurus."
The admiral's blood pressuremounted to a new record and thegentle thud of his unconscious bodystriking the floor was the only soundto break the shocked silence of thegiant hall.
The early morning sunwarmed the white marble of theJefferson Memorial and glintedfrom the soldiers' helmets and theroofs of the packed cars thatcrowded forward in a slow-movingstream. All the gentlemen of Congresswere there, the passage oftheir cars cleared by the screamingsirens of motorcycle policemen.Around and under the wheels of theofficial cars pressed a solid wave ofgovernment workers and commoncitizens of the capital city. Thetrucks of the radio and televisionservices pressed close, microphonesand cameras extended.
The stage was set for a