GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES
By JAMES McCONNELL
Raven-haired, seductive Darling Toujours'
smoke-and-flame eyes kindled sparks in hearts
all over the universe. But it took sweet old
Grandma Perkins, of the pirate ship Dirty
Shame, to set the Jupiter moons on fire.
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Planet Stories March 1954.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
"I can always get along with a man if he remembers who he is," saidDarling Toujours, the raven-haired, creamy-skinned televideo actresswhose smoke-and-flame eyes lit fires in hearts all over the solarsystem. She was credited with being the most beautiful woman alive andthere were few who dared to contradict her when she mentioned it.
"And I can always get along with a woman if she remembers who I am,"replied Carlton E. Carlton, the acid-tongued author whose biting novelshad won him universal fame. He leaned his thin, bony body back into thecomfort of an overstuffed chair and favored the actress with a wickedsmile.
The two of them were sitting in the finest lounge of the luxury spaceship Kismet, enjoying postprandial cocktails with Captain HomerFogarty, the Kismet's rotund commanding officer. The Kismet wasblasting through space at close to the speed of light, bound fromCallisto, one of Jupiter's moons, back to Earth. But none of the twohundred Earthbound passengers were conscious of the speed at all.
Darling Toujours waved a long cigarette holder at the author. "Don'tpay any attention to him, Captain. You know how writers are—alwaysputting words in other people's mouths, and not very good ones at that."
"Do you mean not very good words or not very good mouths, my dear?"Carlton asked. The solar system's most famous actress clamped herscarlet lips shut with rage. It would take someone like Carlton E.Carlton, she knew, to point out the one minor blemish in an otherwiseperfect body—her slightly over-sized mouth.
She began to wish that she had never left Callisto, that she hadcancelled her passage on the Kismet when she learned that Carltonwas to be a fellow passenger. But her studio had wired her to returnto Earth immediately to make a new series of three dimensional videofilms. And the Kismet was the only first class space ship flying toEarth for two weeks. So she had kept her ticket in spite of Carlton.
"I must say that I think Miss Toujours has the prettiest mouth I'veever seen," boomed Captain Fogarty, his voice sounding something likea cross between a foghorn and a steam whistle. And he was not merelybeing gallant, for many a lonely night as he flew the darkness betweenEarth and the many planets, he had dreamed of caressing those lips.
"And I think you are definitely a man of discriminating taste," saidDarling demurely, crossing her legs and arranging her dress to expose alittle more of the Toujours charms to the Captain's eye.
Carlton smiled casually at the exposed flesh. "It's all very pretty,my dear," he said smugly. "But we've seen it all before and in spaceyou're supposed to act like a lady, if you can act that well."
Darling Toujours drew back her hand to smack Carlton one in a veryunlady-like manner when she suddenly realized that they were not alone.Her hand froze, poised elegantly in mid-air, as she turned to see anewcomer standing at the door.
The witness to the impending slap was a withered little lady, scarcelyfive feet tall, with silvered hair, eye