Dumbwaiter
By JAMES STAMERS
Illustrated by DILLON
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Galaxy Magazine February 1960.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
Antimony IX divers can't be seen, of course ... but
don't have anything in mind when one of them is around you!
The man ahead of me had a dragon in his baggage. So the Lamavic boysconfiscated it. Lamavic—Livestock, Animal, Mineral and Vegetable,International Customs—does not like to find dragons curled up in athermos. And since this antipathy was a two-way exchange, the Lamavicinspectors at Philadelphia International were singed and heated allways by the time they got to me. I knew them well.
"Mr. Sol Jones?"
"That's right," I said, watching the would-be dragon smuggler beingmarched away. A very amateur job. I could have told him. There are onlytwo ways to smuggle a dragon nowadays.
"Any livestock to declare, Mr. Jones?"
"I have no livestock on my person or in my baggage, nor am Iaccompanied by any material prohibited article," I said carefully, forI saw they were recording.
The little pink, bald inspector with a charred collar looked at hiscolleague.
"Anything known?"
His colleague looked down at me from six feet of splendid physique,smiled unpleasantly, and flipped the big black record book.
"'Sol Jones,'" he read, "'Lamavic four-star offender. Galacticregistration: six to tenth power: 763918. Five foot ten inches, Earthscale. Blue eyes, hair variable and usually nondescript brown, earlobes and cranial....' You're not disputing identity, Mr. Jones?"
"Oh, no. That's me."
"I see. 'Irrevocable Galactic citizenship for services to familyof Supreme President Xgol in matter of asteroid fungus, subsequentSenatorial amnesty confirmed, previous sentences therefore omitted.Lamavic offenses thereafter include no indictable evidence but totaltwenty-four minor fines for introducing prohibited livestock ontovarious planets. Suspected complicity in Lamavic cases One throughSeventy-six as follows: mobile sands, crystal thinkers, recordingturtle, operatic fish, giant mastodon.' Mr. Jones, you seem to havegiven us trouble before."
"Before what?"
"Before this—er—"
"That," I said, "is an Unconstitutional remark. I am giving no trouble.I have made a full declaration. I demand the rights of a Galacticcitizen."
He apologized, as he had to. This merely made both inspectors angry,but they were going to search me anyway. I knew that. Certainly I am asmuggler, and I had in fact a little present for my girl Florence—awedding present, I hoped—but they would never find it. This time Ireally had them fooled, and I intended to extract maximum pleasure fromwatching their labors.
I saw the Lamavic records once. The next leading offender has onlytwo stars and he's out on Ceres in the penal colony. My four starsdenote that I disapprove of all these rules prohibiting the carryingof livestock from one planet to another. Other people extend theGalactic Empire; I extend my Galactic credit. You want an amusingextraterrestrial pet to while away the two-hour work week, I canprovide one. Of course, this pet business was overdone in the earlydays when any space-hopper could bring little foreign monsters back tothe wife and kiddies. Any weird thing could come in and did.
"You are aware, Mr. Jones, that you have declared that you are nottrying to bring in a