[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael Hart]
This etext was produced by anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteers
With a biographical sketch by Melville D. Landon, "Eli Perkins"
War.
2.1. The Show is Confiscated.
2.2. Thrilling Scenes in Dixie.
2.3. Fourth of July Oration.
2.4. The War Fever in Baldinsville.
2.5. A War Meeting.
2.6. The Draft in Baldinsville.
2.7. Surrender of Cornwallis.
2.8. Things in New York.
2.9. Touching Letter from a Gory Member Of The Home Guard
2.10. In Canada.
2.11. The Noble Red Man.
2.12. Artemus Ward in Richmond.
2.13. Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dasegone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb ofthe Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a poplernoospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've beenamong the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimitperfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for"the Grate Komick paper," if you'll allow me to kote from yourtroothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of mylife. If what I've bin threw is "Suthren hosspitality," 'boutwhich we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve thatthey made two much of me. They was altogether two lavish withtheir attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. Iwent in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one ofthe most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buzzum,viz.:—to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin themSagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say aironsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not callthat man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a hossthief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of myscornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the SonnySouth I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin up theUnion, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. Thepoliticians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe(sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never benoggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varisways, but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry memuch, and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over mylittle tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member ofseveral other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was aDawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me theinfloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! Iwas dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growedhotter and hotter for the undersined. Things came to aclimbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorallyordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun ofred-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standintakin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' myItalyun organist was j