THE
NURSERYMATOGRAPH
WITH
INTERLUDICROUSNESS
BY A PARSON
AND
SILLYSTRATIONS
BY A SERJEANT-MAJOR
London: JOHN LANE, THE BODLEY HEAD
New York: JOHN LANE COMPANY. mcmxxi.
PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY R. CLAY AND SONS, LTD.,
BRUNSWICK STREET, STAMFORD STREET, S.E. 1, AND BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.
DON’T USE TALLOW CANDLES
in your machine.
Pharaoh’s lean kine ate the fat kine.
SPARKES’ OXETYLENE KINE-
matic Lantern.
SACK THE LOT!
But you must have them on the carpet first.
And you have no carpet.
So BUY a
KINE-MAT
YOUR MONEY RETURNED if we are not
SATISFIED WITH IT.
FILM-FACE. The story of a KinematographActress. 1893.
ENCYCLOPÆDIA KINEMATICA. 7 vols.1895.
TURNING THE HANDLE. Practical hints toOperators. 1899.
THE KINEMATOGRAPH FORETOLD. Anexhaustive digest of all Prophetic utterancesregarding the Kinematograph, from the birthof Amram to the death of Mrs. Beeton. 13vols. Folio. 1930.[A]
NEBULA OR OCCULTATION. A PoeticalFragment on the Shooting of a KinematographStar. 1913.
[A] Probably a misprint for 1903.
HOW A KINEMATOGRAPH PICTUREIS PRODUCED
1 The Audience. This is often deaf, and as oftenwishes it were. It pays large money for uncomfortableseats, smoke-laden atmosphere, and peppermint scenery.It also pays an entertainment tax, and wonders why itis so called. The front seats applaud the dashing hero,and are surprised at his coldness, forgetting that hecan’t hear, oh!
2 The Names of the Players. These are perhapsmore important than the audience, and involve theexpenditure of much fine gold to determine whetherArtie Applin is Artie Applin’s name or a pseudonymousinexactitude appropriated to the corporation financingthe undertaking. The answer is in the negative, usually.
3 The Palace. Of this there are two kinds. First,the disused th