Perfect Behavior
by Donald Ogden Stewart
Illustrated by Ralph Barton
A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
Those who are not self-possessed obtrudeand pain us.—EMERSON
A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A ParodyOutline of History”
The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causespain.—OLD PROVERB
TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED
BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE
ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT
ARM OF HER FATHER
With Deepest Sympathy
Contents
CONTENTS
I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words aboutLove—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A SillyGirl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well KnownCongressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards andFlowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean ToothNever Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquetteof Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the FirstCall—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—TheProposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth LongfellowSaid to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.
II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS TheHistoric Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton FisherGirl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—TheBride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the BridalParty—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on theGroom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the BestMan—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’sTea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-TheBachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate ofSoda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.
III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the CorrectPedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a PuebloIndian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a StreetCar—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’sWhiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A CorrectNight in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.
IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a SymphonyOrchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’unFaune” and four gin fizzes o